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that in order for me to move forward and kick this cancer in
the ass I needed to limit my interactions with as many people
as possible. It was like trying to figure out who to invite to a
wedding or birthday party…”If I invite Barbara, then we’ll
have to invite her sister and cousin.” After much criticism
from a certain neighbor, let’s just call her Mariluz for now,
she helped me realize that I have got to stop worrying about
inconveniencing people. I was in the early stages of coping
with this stupid cancer for crying out loud and I was worried
about hurting someone else’s feelings who would get the
news second hand. Plus, I had zero answers on anything
except for the fact that I had breast cancer. It took a few
days, but once I was able to unhook that cart it was pretty
liberating. I was able to move forward and be empowered
with the thought that if someone was upset that they didn’t
hear the news, that it was their problem, not ours.
July 7
th
Tuesday
I was up all night. Not really thinking about anything in
particular, but just up tossing and turning. I can tell I have
a lot on my mind but my brain has put up a mental block
and I cannot access any type of processing of the situation.
I feel like I am just stuck in mud. I get out of bed at 5:00 AM
and watch the sunrise in the playroom. I research breast
cancer support groups and research Paget’s Disease. Darin
stays home with me in the morning and we decide to go to
breakfast together. Everything seemed fine and I was glad
to be getting out of the house and going to do one of my
favorite things (EAT!). We laughed, ate breakfast and had
a normal time that a normal couple would have. I drove us
home and a song came on the radio that I hadn’t heard in
years. It had no significance to me, except for one portion of
lyrics that talked about a little boy sitting at home all alone
while his mom was out looking for money to feed him ( I will
give/send $5.00 to anyone who can guess the name of the
song. Added bonus, you can make money while reading this
blog!). There was no particular significance to the meaning
of this particular lyric either except for the words “your son”.
It kept playing over and over again. I could feel a response
happening in my body that was unstoppable. I could feel the
food traveling up out of my stomach and into my throat. I
could feel the sweat pouring out of me. Tears started filling
up my eyes, but I had sunglasses on and it wasn’t noticeable
yet. Darin was rambling on about something and I could
make out the tone of his voice but I couldn’t make out a single
word he was saying. All I could hear was the repetition of
that lyric. I pulled the car over suddenly and broke down.
When I say “broke down” I don’t mean I cried and then felt
better. I sobbed. I shook. I hyperventilated. I cried really hard.
Like snot running out of my nose, soaking my shirt. I was
drenched in sweat and ready to vomit. Darin pulled me out
of the car and was trying to hug me but I could barely stand.
I looked up and noticed I was in the CVS parking lot, cars
were driving by and people were staring at me. I wondered
what that looked like to someone, this, what appeared to be
“unstable person” having this huge meltdown in a parking
lot?
We get home and Darin has me lay on the couch with a
blanket. I’ve stopped crying by this point and zone out on the
couch. I started to feel somewhat better and told him he was
fine to go to work and that I would call him if I needed to. I
told him how worried I was to tell my boss and that I didn’t
think that I could go up to school to do it because I didn’t
want to see anyone else. Darin said to ask him to come to
the house. I still have no answers on if the cancer has spread
anywhere and I don’t know how to explain my situation to
anyone, but school is starting soon and I need to get a plan
in place. I told Darin that I’d be fine, so he left for work. 2
minutes later he marches Mariluz over to the house and
apologizes for ratting me out about my meltdown but that
he knows that I need help with telling my boss. She yells at
me in a joking way that I need to let people help me and that
she’ll be back in 30 minutes. Darin smiles at me and waves
goodbye, because he knows if he sticks around any longer
that I’ll yell at him for going to get me help.
I call my mom and we cry together on the phone and she says
she’s coming. I told her I woke up and things were sinking
in a little bit at a time and that I was scared. My phone rings
while I am on the phone with my mom and it’s Freddie from
the Dr.’s office. They moved schedules around and got me an
appointment at 1:00 to have an ultrasound. I feel relieved and
thankful that people have been working so fast on my case.
Mariluz comes over to clean my house and her eyes are full of
tears. I can’t cry, I just feel bad for her because I don’t want her
to be sad for me. I am still numb . My mom shows up and her
and Mariluz cry together. I just stand in the kitchen and give
them Kleenex like they are watching some tear jerker movie.
I am still numb. Darin comes home for my appointment. I am
grateful but feel bad that everyone is giving up all this time
to be with me. I can’t cry or have a reaction. I keep looking
at the clock because the time is coming for us to leave for my
appointment, but my bosses haven’t showed up yet. Finally
with about 10 minutes to spare Bruce and Scott show up. I
instantly begin sweating, shaking and pacing. My eyes fill
up with tears. I act happy when they show up, but they are
both looking at me concerned when they see everyone who
is in the house. We sit down at the table and I start to fumble
over my words. They are both staring at me and I can tell that
they know something major is happening. Darin is standing
behind me rubbing my shoulders. I blurt out that I have
breast cancer and they seem calm. I start to feel embarrassed,
like I am overreacting to my situation so I start talking really
fast and stutter over my diagnosis. Luckily I look at the clock
and see that I need to leave for my appointment and Mariluz
agrees to stay and discuss the details with them. The whole
way to my appointment I get hung up on whether I am over
reacting to this whole ordeal and begin to feel guilty for
people feeling concerned for me.
I am the youngest person in the Women’s Breast Clinic by
many years. By MANY years. I walk by to use the bathroom
and I see women peek up above their Good Housekeeping
magazines to look at me and my pregnant belly which
makes me wonder what people are thinking. I go back for
my ultrasound and it’s painful. My right breast is sore and so
are my stitches. The tech presses really hard over my stitches
and it makes me cringe. We are led to a really cold waiting
room and I start to get irritated that no one is having any
fun. I have hardly laughed at all today and that makes me
feel crappy. I download the Ellen DeGeneres game “Heads
Up” on my phone to pass the time. To make a note of this
experience, don’t ever have my mom on your team. For one:
she doesn’t know hardly any answers, for two: she starts with
these laughing fits, which are very entertaining, but not good
for winning. The Dr. comes in and says that the ultrasound